Richard Crooks's Website
Silly Small Ads
Silly Small Ads
Why would you buy a chair, when you could be opulant and buy a throne instead? Isn't a vase a bit boring, how about buying an alien crystal skull instead? When I sell my items on the small ads system where I work, I find exciting ways of advertising them for sale rather than just run of the mill ways of selling them. This makes my adverts stand out, and provides some entertainment for everyone else. So I thought I'd directorise them, so that people who I don't work with can also see them.
A 23 litre bucket - £5
Do you have someone in your humble abode (or even your mighty castle) who is somewhat reluctant to wake up?
Do you also lack a water meter?
Well, a good way of waking such a sleeping beauty up is to use a bucket!
23 litres of water is more than sufficient to soak them, they'll then wake you up, and being as it's rather a large quantity of water, they'll be mildly displeased with you, and chase you, furiously with a pillow that they'll be swinging around in incoherent rage (quite understandably I might add, if I was dreaming about eating a large amount of taleggio and was woken so rudely from my slumber I'd be displeased too). In order to protect yourself from the pillow wielding vigilante, you'll need to go running, so you'll get some exercise too, which is very good for your health.
Unfortunately I'm going to get a water meter fitted so I sadly can't justify using that much water for such purposes.
This 23 litre bucket is also perfect for fermenting beer, if you give it a decent clean that is! I wouldn't recommend waking anyone else up by throwing beer over them though!
If you would like it, please email me
Bouncy Ball Racing Start Ramp - £5
Racing bouncy balls down stairs is incredibly fun, especially if you have stairs, which are a useful, fun, and most of all bouncy addition to bouncy ball racing courses.
I have an IKEA Dagotto bouncy ball starter ramp, you line up your bouncy balls at one end (using the grooves to ensure they're all level), place your bets, and lift the ramp and watch as your bouncy ball heroes bounce down the stairs and boing their way through your house, destroying wedding photos, priceless Ming vases and the Mona Lisa on their way down.
It also functions as a footrest, which is nice and ergonomic for your feet, that is, if unlike me you're normal and don't have weird ankles that are weird.
If you would like it, please email me
Free - Bubble Wrap
With election season underway, it's very easy to become stressed due to the increasing incidence and prominence of politicians, who have managed to push other less stressful items like soccer or cooking from the news.
I myself relieve stress by crushing entire coconuts with my bare hands, 1 coconut in each hand and boom, no more coconuts.
However, I realise a more normal way of alleviating stress might be painting, or popping bubble wrap.
To help you de-stress, I have some bubble wrap to give away. Bubble wrap is great because you can pop each little bubble and enjoy its destruction (in the least psychotic way possible), and unlike coconuts, you don't cover your floor with coconut water, so its both safe, and non messy.
It's also great for packing breakable things. The bubbles help things not break during transit, although I wouldn't recommend using it for this purpose after using it for stress relief.
If you would like the bottle wrap, just email me and I will bring it in for you.
A Really Useful Person/Small Stepladder
I have some IKEA bits any pieces to attach to the wall in my bathroom, and some really strong glue. And when I say strong, I mean so strong that I have to go to a special shop in the clanger munching land of Bedfordshire to buy it from a special shop where they sell extreme DIY apparatus and are next to a pub with the strongest beer you will ever see in a pub.
Sadly, even this mega glue isn't strong enough to hold up bathroom accessories. But that's why I have a masonry drill!
Unfortunately the thought of me using a masonry drill is so terrifying for residents of Salisbury that this should be avoided if possible. Plus some of the holes I'd need to drill are above my head.
I could resolve the holes above my head problem if someone has a small stepladder I could borrow. Alternatively, to prevent the horror of me wielding a masonry drill (and unleashing an evil macabre laugh as I do so) if anyone knows (or is) a really useful person who could do this for a reasonable price (and not destroy the wall, because I like the wall) that would be great.
If anyone can suggest anything, please email me
Electro-Acoustic Mandolin - £50
As part of downsizing, I am selling my electro-acoustic mandolin.
It is not only a mandolin to play nice pleasant mandolin tunes, but it has pickups and an outlet to connect the mandolin to your distortion pedals, and create a form of death metal so evil that your mere existance will prompt protests in Alabama, and don't you dare even think about going to Texas!
The mandolin also comes with a strap, a small stand, a spare set of strings, and a delightful handmade demin case, from Bedfordshire, where they eat clangers.
If you would like the Mandolin, please email me and I can bring it to the hospital.