Richard Crooks's Website
Silly Small Ads
Why sell a chair, when you could sell a solid gold throne that has undergone such extensive renovations that it is now basically made of wood? And why not have a reason for learning French, like the need to establish contact with a colony of French speakers as part as your attempts to woo one of them?
When I write small ads, I like to make them exciting, and fun to read, so that people remember them. Too many small ads are boring, so why not make fun ones?
Read my fun small ads here.
2018-05-21 - 09:18:00
I have some exotique bubble wrap, it's so exotique that I'm refusing to spell exotique in a normal fashion to emphasise the exotiquarity of them, like how exotic houses are made of briques rather than bricks.
This bubble wrap was used to ship delectable liquor bottles, including a bacon infused bourbon (of course I'm not going to drink normal drinks am I!) and due to not needing to commercially ship liquor bottles, I don't need it.
It would be very useful for transporting wine, whisky or other similar shaped glassware if you are moving house.
They are not suitable for rage crushing as they are very strong, you will need several quantum torpedoes to do so.
I have 3 of these available and each one has 3 pockets for carrying a wine/whisky bottle in each.
Please email me if you are interested.
2018-02-27 - 11:57:00
If you want to go camping this weekend in the snow, this mini fridge would be absolutely useless because you might as well pack your beer in the snow where it would be chilled, as you go about your camping activities in the frozen arctic wilderness.
However, if you are more sensible and wait until the warmer months to go camping, this mini fridge will provide an excellent chilled environment in which you can store beer, milk, cheese and other items you wish to keep cooler than the outside air temperature.
This mini fridge is small, but you can store a big clock of Canadian cheddar in it, or a 4 pack of Mackesons Stout. I've even stored beer cheese and a bottle of grapefruit juice in it.
The fridge has a door.
There is a power cable for the fridge too.
The power cable is able to work with a car cigarette lighter as well.
I think the fridge has a warm setting as well, so you can use it this weekend if you would like to make yoghurt while you're camping.
The fridge was PAC tested a very long time ago due to regulations at Roehampton University.
And if you weren't tempted already the fridge has a handle so you can carry it. And unlike British or American sized fridges, this mini fridge can easily be carried and is highly unlikely to cause crush injuries if misused, making it incredibly safe for manual handling.
If you would like this exceptional mini fridge to make yogurt on your camping trip this weekend, and keep your cheese cool in the winter, please email me and I will be delighted to sell it to you.
2018-02-23 - 09:05:00
As a computer programmer, I need large amounts of coffee to support my programming and help make my code even more object oriented with the sheer amounts of coffee that I drink.
One way of increasing the amount of coffee I drink is to drink more coffee, which allows more coffee to reach me and make me even more coffee fuelled than I was before.
Unfortunately, I again made the mistake of buying some flavoured coffee assuming it would be tasty. This coffee, unlike other flavoured coffees doesn't merely taste indifferent, but rather it makes my mouth taste of hatred. This is really bad as a programmer, because instead of programming nice, sensible, safe pieces of code I could inadvertently program Skynet, which would be quite a health and safety risk for the human species.
However, you might find this coffee utterly delicious (or you might be able to use it to make a Tiramisu) and it would be a shame to throw it away, so if you would like it, please email me and I would be pleased to give it to you. The bag it's in even comes with a free clip to keep it closed.
2017-12-12
I need to transport a package to the empress of the space time continuum, who lives in Greece. I'm not sure I have enough annual leave (or money) to drive there to be a self courier which is the free transport offer the courierUR dot co dot uk website explained in its small print.
Does anyone have some cardboard they don't need so I can pack a consignment of presents? Please email me if you can help.
Thank you, I have now found the Athabasca oil sands of packing materials.
2017-12-04 - 14:09:00
If you should enter the smaller of the cheese curd eating lands and go to Lambeau Field while you are in the mighty state of Wisconsin (Green Bay specifically), you might find yourself not only eating cheese curds (fried, rather than put on chips and covered with gravy), but also walking past lots of stalls selling items such as cheesy Cobb heads (to celebrate Randall Cobb), cheese bras, and explicit t-shirts (neithor of which are socially acceptable to wear on this side of the pond), all there for you to express your Packers fandom in the most extreme ways possible.
My parents did this as well, however as my father was lacking his official Green Bay Packers cap he needed an emergency cap, and bought one for the purposes of protecting himself from the bright sun in sunny Wisconsin.
However as it is an unofficial cap, my mother does not want to see it again, which means I can't use it.
If you would like this unofficial Green Bay Packers cap, which is a perfectly functional, and socially acceptable piece of headwear, but also indicates that you walked along Mike McCarthy Way, up the stairs, and through the Oneida Nation Gate and into Lambeau Field, then please email me and I'll be pleased to supply you with this cap, and discuss how poor the Chicago Bears still are (or similar words).
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