Richard Crooks's Website
Silly Small Ads
Why sell a chair, when you could sell a solid gold throne that has undergone such extensive renovations that it is now basically made of wood? And why not have a reason for learning French, like the need to establish contact with a colony of French speakers as part as your attempts to woo one of them?
When I write small ads, I like to make them exciting, and fun to read, so that people remember them. Too many small ads are boring, so why not make fun ones?
Read my fun small ads here.
2017-08-14
It's holiday season, that means fun, and sun, sipping wine on a Mediterranean beach, and generally having a nice relaxing time.
Unless... your luggage ended up in Sweden while you ended up in Greece, in which case you become the tourist attraction by being the incredibly rare species known as an angry Canadian (who was of course incredibly apologetic, I'm sorry I should have mentioned that before).
In such circumstances you might want some bubble wrap, to calm yourself down from all the baggage lossage agro and general airport chaos (My apologies, most airports are impeccably run by ultra professional staff).
Bubble wrap is also great if you want to buy lots of wine. Or if you're moving house.
If you would like such bubble wrap, I'm sorry I don't have it with me today, but I can bring it in tomorrow. Please email me.
2017-07-19
As I do not wish my subjects to see into my palace and witness my diabolical schemes for taking over other space:time continua in order to harvest even more toffee, I am looking to install some blinds or curtain type things across the glass panels on the doorway of my palace, which will also keep much of the light out, that comes in because other residents in my building appear to be nocturnal. Being a vampire, I find it difficult to sleep at night as I start dissolving, especially as the light eventually reflects round to the upper window panes.
Although I have identified a possibly suitable roller blind for the top pane, I am looking for something less spacious, such as a net curtain of some sort on the bottom pane, so that it doesn't get in the way of my letter box.
Does anyone know where to get a suitable net curtain and the wire bit they're held up with? Or even what they're called so I can start googling.
2017-07-07
I started off my plans to take over the space:time continuum and give everyone unlimited supplies of toffee early. During my first iteration of being a student, myself and my equally weird friends would shun the debaucherous activities of our more mainstream fellow students and instead do confectionary making nights and make lots of toffee (I can tell you now that the secret ingredient for soft toffee is vinegar and butter, with the vinegar making the toffee less hard and brittle) and other assorted confectionaries, such as honeycomb, dulce de leche, and even an accidental Kendal non-Mint Cake.
Does anyone have a sugar/jam thermometer they don't want that I can have to relive this student excitement?
2017-07-05
Ming vases are one of the finest artefacts in the space:time continuum, carrying a high degree of value, and being an interesting talking piece for your home.
Somewhat less valuable though are counterfeit Ming vases.
I have a counterfeit Ming vase, and it's available for free. It's an incredibly bad counterfeit though, not only is it made of glass rather than porcelain, but it is the wrong shape to be a Ming vase, and lacks any patterning. In short, it lacks every feature of a Ming vase, so it is a counterfeit Ming vase in the same way that Budweiser is counterfeit Chateau Lafite 45. Also rather than being several hundred years old, it's actually a couple of years old, as confirmed by carbon dating (which I'm not sure you can do on glass). I think the chances of convincing someone that it is a Ming vase are slim, so please do not attempt to pass it off as a genuine Ming vase.
As well as being a normal glass vase, it can be used to store toffee sauce (if you give it a wash).
If you would like it, please email me. I have it in my office.
2017-07-03
Are you a Richard?
Do you know a Richard?
Does the Richard you are or know need lower doses of coffee than me?
If so, then you or them would love this Richard mug! Not only does it say the name of someone who aspires to rule the space:time continuum and so in the past, present and future you may be able to impersonate the imperial ruler, but it can also contain coffee. Coffee is one of the most amazing beverages in the space:time continuum and once my imperial reign is established I will ensure that everyone has abundant supplies of coffee, along with toffee sauce and maple syrup. I especially recommend the maple-bacon coffee I was drinking last week for its maple-bacon, caffeine delivering, Mounty saluting, coffee deliciousness!
If you would like this fine mug, please email me and I can bring it in for you.
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