Richard Crooks's Website
Silly Small Ads
Why sell a chair, when you could sell a solid gold throne that has undergone such extensive renovations that it is now basically made of wood? And why not have a reason for learning French, like the need to establish contact with a colony of French speakers as part as your attempts to woo one of them?
When I write small ads, I like to make them exciting, and fun to read, so that people remember them. Too many small ads are boring, so why not make fun ones?
Read my fun small ads here.
2017-07-03
Does anyone have an ironing board I could borrow? I have an iron, but no board!
I was being incredibly enthusiastic in Trafalgar Square with my flag on Saturday and now my flag has creases! So it looks thoroughly unpatriotic on my wall!
I need to iron it to get the creases out.
Does anyone have a board I could borrow for an evening?
2017-06-29
As part of attempting to save money (as all good supreme emperors should do), I bought some running trainers from Aldi. However they've rarely been used, on account of the fact that they are too small for my feet (silly me for thinking I could squeeze into something too small which aren't neoprene shoes!) which are enormous, due to the sheer amount of balance I will require as supreme emperor of the space:time continuum, in order to prevent assassination plots (something that while uncommon in modern civilized times, would be quite common during imperial visits to the Roman period) involving tripping me up. Consequently I can't actually run anymore, which would also make fleeing from foot based assassins difficult, so I need to use alternative footwear to develop my running speed.
If you have feet small enough to fit into size 11 running trainers then I would be happy to give them to you though. Please email me if you would like them.
2017-06-27
Due to an acquisition of a blowtorch from the empress to celebrate Richard Day, I had some fun making one of my favourite desserts, crème brulee, which unfortunately I didn't eat while drinking my favourite wine, monbazillac.
As I was being lazy, I didn't make the crème brulees myself, and instead bought some ready made crème brulees which I burnt the sugar onto myself.
Since the crème brulees came in delightful glass dishes, I wondered if anyone wants them? They're made in France, and as they once carried the crème brulees of my former employer, I can assure you that they would use only the finest dishes to house their products (my former employer was especially protective of that delicious brand) and thus I bestow my personal, imperial, seal of approval onto these dishes as an assurance of their high quality.
If you would like them, please email me and I will bring them in.
2017-06-23
My flat doesn't smell sufficiently of vanilla. Vanilla, as the finest, most awesome thing in the space:time continuum is the only fragrance for an emperor of such a domain to use.
In order to increase the vanillainess of my space:time continuum, I would like a wax melt burner, not an electric one but a candle heated one. The sort they sell in Tesco have hearts on them. I'm not a hearts, flowers or fluffy pink bunny rabbits romping in green meadows person, as you can tell from my universe conquering schemes.
I once encountered a professor talking about the region of a protein which he described as vanilla, this usage of vanilla was wrong because he meant plain, and vanilla means awesome, not plain! Vanilla only became widespread after a slave in the southern Indian ocean discovered a way to pollinate it by hand, previously it could only be pollinated by an insect native to Mexico. This was brilliant because it made vanilla widespread, but it also made people think it was boring.
If you have a wax melt burner, and want to help me increase my exposure to delicious vanilla aromas, Please email me and I would be delighted to acquire your former wax melt burner.
2017-06-21
Last night for dinner I made a delicious slow cooked beef brisket, which scored a solid 10/10 for deliciousness.
To make this, I rubbed a dry rub consisting of: onion powder, bacon seasoning, chipotle powder, smoked paprika, smoked garlic, smoked sea salt, whiskey seasoning and molasses sugar into the beef, left it to marinate overnight, then in the morning added black treacle, tomato puree, liquid smoke and a can of coke with whiskey to the beef. Turned on the slow cooker and came home to delicious smokey shredded beef brisket with a rich sticky bbq sauce.
Of course, you could substitute the coke for something less sweet if you don't have such a sweet tooth, like... beer! But how are you going to add your beer to your brisket, from a much larger container than a can of coke, then have some leftover beer that you shouldn't drink before going to work?
Well that's where this bottle capper comes in! You can re-lid that bottle of delicious beer, put it in the fridge and save it for when you actually eat the brisket.
It's also really useful for bottling your home brew. Or storing leftover beer from making beer cheese.
If you're not convinced already, as a bonus point, it is also made in Italy.
If you would like it, it is �2 and I can bring it in.
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