Richard Crooks's Website
Silly Small Ads
Why sell a chair, when you could sell a solid gold throne that has undergone such extensive renovations that it is now basically made of wood? And why not have a reason for learning French, like the need to establish contact with a colony of French speakers as part as your attempts to woo one of them?
When I write small ads, I like to make them exciting, and fun to read, so that people remember them. Too many small ads are boring, so why not make fun ones?
Read my fun small ads here.
2017-06-20
On the way back from my visit to the empress this year, I have 10 hours in Belgrade, exploring Belgrade's amazing sights and eating the delicious Serbian food.
I have found out how to not get into trouble entering Serbia, and how to not get into trouble with customs for my copious quantities of delicious Greek delights that will be travelling with me.
Problem is, all I know about Belgrade is that they donated lots of wood for building Coventry's theatre, and that NATO bombed it about 20 years ago, which I don't think was a very polite thing to do after that nice pile of wood they donated! I don't think these would be the best ice breakers somehow!
Does anyone know anything nice to do in Belgrade? Also any suggestions for delicious food to eat (especially breakfast, as I'll be there in the morning) would be most handy, or any other general tips about how to survive 10 hours in Belgrade.
Please email me if you have any suggestions.
2017-06-20
Are you really too hot?
Do you have offspring?
Are your offspring also too hot?
Well why not throw loads of water at them with this bucket!
It's really simple, you throw the water at them, they get wet, they then get their SuperSoaker 50000000 (I think that's what super soaker models are called these days) and drench you in response. Thus you all have a nice cool drenching.
This all helps cool you down, because water requires large amounts of energy to evaporate because the hydrogen bonds that hold the liquid state of water together require large amounts of energy to break them. In fact the energy required to convert a volume of water to steam is the same as that required to raise the temperature of that same water from 0 degrees to 80 degrees.
Other uses for this bucket include brewing beer, bucketing it up (yes, I did just make that up), throwing water over sleeping relatives, making absolutely massive amounts of poutine for when the entire RCMP visit you, and generally being huge and bucket shaped.
If you would like it, please email me
2017-06-20
Are you too hot?
Do you fancy a water fight to cool you down?
Well you'll love this little glass bucket! You can fill it with water and launch water across your exceptionally warm locale and cool you all down with the soft, heat draining evaporation that will result as the water evaporates from your skin. It requires loads of energy to convert water to steam and it has to get that water from somewhere, so where better than your overheated body?
It also functions as a vase, and would also function as your crown jewels if you would like to take over the space:time continuum.
If you would like it please email me. I have it in my office, where we're unfortunately not allowed to have a water fight, nor can I have successful waterfights at home due to the absence of the empress.
2017-06-16
As I'm downsizing my imperial ambitions, seeking only to rule the land that encompasses my flat as opposed to the entire space:time continuum, I feel I should downsize the crown jewels that come with such a prominent position too.
I have a vase to give away, I've used it for storing pot pouri, of the vanilla variety of course because vanilla is the only way, but it could also be used for storing plants, ornamental type prettinesses, or even toffee sauce as a mini toffee sauce pool, in preparation for my successor succeeding in taking over the space:time continuum.
If you would like it, please email me and I can bring it to the hospital.
2017-06-14
I figured that if I was going to take over the space:time continuum I would need some kingly (or perhaps even emperorious) accessories to make my reign look even more impressive than it really is.
Unfortunately, as I was drowning my sorrows last weekend with a logician friend of mine, he pointed out that my plan was doomed to fail, due to the lack of current rulership of the universe by me, which thus means that in order to take over space:time I would create a time travel paradox. The barman thought this was an utterly bizarre conversation though and phoned the police, however the armed response unit really liked the sound of having a toffee pool so they have pledged loyalty to my potential regime, however I still don't think it's enough to conquer the universe.
Anyway as I won't be needing my suit of armour, I'm going to give it away to someone with equally grandiose ambitions. It's a Jack in a Pack coat from Millets, quite old, size large, and it's black. I do not recommend using it for jousting, because modern suits of armour are not designed for stopping weaponry, since modern weaponry makes them somewhat ineffective, however they are excellent for your emperor ambitions, it is also effective and keeping toffee sauce off you, and rain.
If you would like it, please email me and I can bring it in.
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